Family Break-ups

ASK LORI AND LIANE, April 2008, by Lori Clemente and Liane Knoll-Kowk

FAMILY BREAK-UPS
What happens
when parents get divorced?

Lori: Unfortunately, divorce is so common that chances are, either you or a friend will experience it first hand. It affects the whole family, and can bring out many different emotions like: fear, guilt, relief, excitement, failure, disappointment, rejection, shock, sadness, anxiety and nervousness. Every one of these are TOTALLY NORMAL.

Liane: That’s right, divorce can feel like your life has been turned upside down! Many guys and girls talk to me about those feelings Lori mentioned. When their parents don’t love each other anymore they start questioning everything: Could their parents stop loving them too? Do relationships ever last? Can they trust anyone? Does their opinion matter at all? Does anyone care about how their life is affected? Some kids start to worry about everything, or get angry and freak out on their best friend or siblings for no reason.

You might have a hard time concentrating at school or cry yourself to sleep at night. You may even blame yourself for the divorce. Or, you could be secretly happy or relieved because it will mean an end to tension, anger or even violence.

Lori: Divorce is certainly complicated, and there are many reasons adults make that decision. One thing for sure is that it is NEVER the kids’ fault. Never. For some, it can take months or years to feel normal again. You may even start to see your parents become happier than you have ever seen them. The good news is that your parents are ready to make a change for the better. Still, it’s okay to feel sad or worried… it’s a huge change and one that can be really hard to deal with!

Liane: Bottom line is: There are no ‘wrong’ ways to feel about separation or divorce. It’s a type of loss. Some even say it feels like someone they love has died. You’re not only dealing with the loss of your family unit as you’ve always known it, but you may be dealing with a change of lifestyle too. This may mean less money to do the things you used to do, less time with your friends, a change of schools or less time with one of your parents. Allow yourself time to grieve and get in touch with your feelings.

Lori: Every day I see how stress can affect people: headaches, neck and back pain, changes in your periods, trouble sleeping, frequent colds, changes in bowel patterns, stomach aches, and mood changes can all be physical manifestations of stress. I counsel the young women I see in my practice to pay close attention to how their minds and bodies react to stress. Recognizing your own reaction to stress is really important and will help you for the rest of your life. Figure out what you need to help you cope. Some things that help may include: talking to a parent, friend or adult you trust; walking, sports, yoga, or some type of exercise that you enjoy; and doing things you find relaxing like hanging out with friends, going to a movie, or reading.

Liane: Those are great suggestions Lori made. I would add journaling or writing poetry, and talking with your best friend. Don’t forget your parents in all of this… you might think they can’t handle your feelings right now, but they may be relieved if you give them the chance to reassure you. You might also be angry at one or both of your parents right now and not want to talk to them. You can always talk to your guidance counselor or another adult you can trust… just don’t cram those feelings down!

Lori: Sometimes we connect more with one parent over another. Divorce can really magnify the difference in the relationships we have with our parents. I clearly remember having a much easier time getting along with one parent over another. Remember that you are made up of both, so understanding each of them will help you understand yourself. Try to take really good care of yourself during stressful times. Eating as healthy as possible is one way to do this. Although junk food is soothing in the short term when you are stressed out, too much of it can lead to problems and make you feel worse in the end. Your body needs nourishment right now. Try to get all the sleep you need, drink lots of water and hang out with positive people.

Liane: Hang in there, you’ll get through this and you’ll learn valuable things about yourself and how to deal with stress that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Lots of people get through a divorce really well, so can you!

~Lori and Liane

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