What is a TRUE FRIEND?

GIRLFRIENDS, August 2009, by Jenifer Merifield

What is a TRUE FRIEND?

How can you know when girls are talking
behind your back and being mean?

Dear Jenifer,
All year my friends (except for my bff) have been kind of mean. They do things behind my back together, talk about me when I’m not there, and ignore me a lot. They are the only girls my age around my area and all the boys are weird. Then on the last day of school, one of them came up and said "thanks for being my friend" and then she had the nerve to say that none of the girls but my bff like me. That really hurt because we always did things together before. There are only 6 girls in my entire class and I have one friend outside of school. I’m really mad at them and my mom thinks I shouldn't forgive them because they've done it too many times. I don't know what to do anymore for friends. By the way, no girls my age live within a 2 mile range. Everyone is either 4 years old or 18.
~ Rosalie, 12, Sudbury, Ontario

Dear Rosalie,
Thank you for writing, I’m sure there are lots of girls who are feeling sad, rejected, bullied or not accepted by their peers and can relate to your story.

I’m sensing some desperation on your part, and rightfully so! Since there is no one else to be friends with for miles around other than these girls who have been mean and dishonest with you, it makes sense that you want to find a way to make it work, and be friends with them so you're not alone.

Let me ask you a question, Rosalie… if there were other girls around would you still want to be friends with these mean girls? I’m guessing your answer is NO.

If you change who you are for people who don’t respect you, you will never have a true friendship with them. You will always be on pins and needles, worrying about how you SHOULD be so that they like you, rather than just being yourself and trusting that they will like you no matter how you are. Does that make sense?

So for instance, if you managed to get in with this crowd and they said you should change your hair because it’s not cool or ‘in’, would you? If you wouldn’t, would you then worry that they may not like you anymore and start being mean to you like they did before? Or would you do it to avoid being ostracized, but knowing deep down that you did it just to be accepted? Either way, that uneasy feeling is always there and you are always worried that they may turn on you again.

Rosalie, it hurts and it’s so hard to be in the situation you are in, I can relate because a similar situation happened for me when my family moved to a small town when I was in grade five. I was bullied by a couple of girls because I was different. Day after day I took the abuse because I didn’t know how to defend myself and I just wanted to be accepted. At night I would go home and cry and I felt so helpless and alone. After a while I changed to fit in. I dressed more like them and I tried my best to act like them when I was around them. At first I was happy because the bullying let up, but I hated it because I was always worried I would mess up and say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing. It didn’t make me more confident and I knew these girls were not really my friends. But you know what, after a while I was just so tired of it I didn’t care anymore and I stopped trying to impress them. You know what happened? They suddenly became interested in me and it felt like the roles reversed. When they wanted to talk to me and I brushed them off - not in a rude way, I was always a polite kid and nice to people, I just kept it short and sweet and they wanted more. They started complimenting me and being nice, and it was weird. I kind of lost respect for them but I also realized they weren’t so tough after all. They were just insecure girls hiding behind their tough attitudes.

My point is, you have to be confident about who you are. If you aren’t they will see it and it makes for an easy target to be teased. If you love who you are, no one can take that away from you. Find things you like to do and put your heart into it. When you are doing these things you will feel good, you will accomplish positive things and you will have reason to feel self worth. Keep doing those things and you will build up your self esteem to a point where no words and no person can knock that down. The better you feel about yourself, the more you will carry yourself with confidence. There is an actual fact that goes like this: What you say is only 7% of what others perceive about you and the other 93% is how you say it (how you carry yourself, your attitude and your body language). You can’t fake those things, so I suggest you do things to build them up every day!

Your mom loves you and of course she is being protective of you. Although you may not want to forgive those girls right now, I highly recommend you forgive yourself. Not because you did anything wrong, just forgive yourself for any part of it you are holding onto that makes you feel not good enough. Then when you are ready, if you can forgive them for their insecurities, then you will have truly let go of letting them have any control over your happiness.

I’m not saying it isn’t going to be hard at times, and who knows, you may develop a friendship with one or some of them, but put more emphasis on who you are and what you love to do. Hobbies and interests attract people, the kind of people you will want to be around.

Tell yourself every day that you are fabulous and remember what Dr. Seuss says: “Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind!”

~ Jenifer

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