HELP! My Friend thinks she is FAT!

BODY IMAGE and EATING DISORDERS, January 2009, by Jen Charbonneau

Help, my friend
thinks she's FAT!

Dear Jen,
I’m so glad you started this column. You have to help me. I have a friend who totally thinks she’s fat! No matter what I saw she denies it and still thinks she’s fat. She’s 105 pounds and 13 years old which is normal… Skinny even. Today on the bus she was squeezing her arm ‘fat’ and she keeps making comments about how I’m so skinny (which I really am I only weigh 75 pounds… but I am MUCH shorter than my friend). But the part that really worries me is the fact that she works out (really intensely) and looking at the calories on all her food! For her sake Please help me!

Dear Help Me... thanks sooooo much for your letter. It sounds to me like your friend is REALLY focused on her body. I’m wondering if there are other issues in her life that are making her feel out of control. Often, when we have challenges in other areas of our lives, we tend to distract ourselves by being overly focused on something we think we can control ...like our bodies.

If your friend has had a lot of changes in her life, she may not know how to deal with them in a healthy way. Using intense exercise and calorie counting can be her way to distract herself from the REAL problems. What’s important for your friend to realize however, is that she may be using harmful ways to deal with her stress.

At 13 yrs old, the body is always changing. Sometimes it feels like it happens overnight. We go to bed and our jeans fit ...we wake up in the morning and they don’t! It can be frustrating and can also feel like we don’t know who we are. But, we do have to remember that our body is changing and growing for wonderful reasons and in amazing ways. It’s Mother Nature’s way of preparing our body to carry us towards our dreams. We also have to remember that we are not our body. We are so much more than just our body.

Like you’ve already done, you start by letting her know you are worried about her. Telling her she’s not fat just keeps the focus on her body image. So I would try to avoid the ‘fat/skinny’ kind of conversation. Instead, have a talk with her about what you are noticing and ask her if there’s anything else in her life that isn’t going so well.

Maybe she’ll open up to you. Sometimes just having a really good talk with a friend can really help to get feelings out. You could also ask her if she’s talked to an adult. If not, maybe suggest she speaks with someone she trusts.

It also sounds like your friend’s self esteem might be kind of low. If she’s comparing herself to others then she must not be feeling very good about herself. Everyone is unique and different and comparing ourselves to others is like comparing a St. Bernard to a Chihuahua. You just can’t compare ...they and we are different. But when we’re feeling bad about ourselves or our lives, it’s hard to remember that. As a friend, you can give her compliments for other things you notice about her ...like how much she makes you laugh or how organized she is or how good she is at her favourite sport.

You can continue to support your friend by simply caring about her. Don’t get caught up in the fat/skinny talk or the good food/bad food trap. Believe it or not, your friend’s issues have nothing to do with food or body fat. The body and food are a way for her to work through her challenges. It’s not healthy and in fact, can be harmful. Encourage your friend to talk to someone and let her know there are better, more healthy ways to work through challenges.

Writing in a journal is another awesome way to get feelings out of the mind and body and on to paper. This is a great tool for releasing challenges.

Getting enough sleep is also really important. With all the changes happening in your life, the body, mind and soul need rest. It’s amazing how much clearer things seem when you get your zzz’s. Learning to meditate is another fabulous tool when life throws us those curve balls. A nice walk in nature is a way to deal with confusion, changes and challenges.

Sometimes the statement “I feel fat” really means “I feel sad or I feel confused or I feel angry”. The numbers on the weigh scale and the number of calories are just that: numbers ...they don’t measure how great of a friend someone is, they don’t measure how talented or creative someone is, and they don’t measure your dreams or your goals. Helping your friend understand your concerns will help her to look more closely at the challenges she is trying to work through.

Maybe you could even pass along this magazine to her as well! Let her know there’s an article in it she might find helpful... :o)

~ Jen

Comment

GCDA

Dear "helpp :S"... if you are really worried then you can talk to a teacher, guidance counselor or your own mom to get advice about how to help. Supporting her by being a great friend is wonderful, but if she's risking her health she needs help from an adult or doctor. Better safe than sorry. Good luck =)

helpp :S

My friend is only 12 and is very toned... She is persuaded that she s fat and she not uber skinny but isn't fat either, please help because she thinks everyone hates her and is starting to make herself sick but won't tell her mum... How can I help her with this??? :S x

demi , 15, washington

i'm really critical of my appearance , i feel chubby and not beautiful . should i feel like this?