Is losing weight the answer?

BODY IMAGE + EATING DISORDERS, July 2008, by Jen Charbonneau

Is LOSING WEIGHT
the answer?

is losing weight the answer?

Dear Jen C,
I'm scared. My BFF has been really worried about her weight lately and I'm getting kinda scared. She has been having bad luck with guys at my school and she blames it all on herself. She tells me a lot how ugly she thinks she is and how she will never get a boyfriend. I tell her that she is a great person and that she doesn't need to lose weight, and also that she shouldn't be worried about boyfriends because she is only in grade 7. When I tell her that she usually starts to act like herself for about a month or so, then something bad comes up and she blames herself again and eats less and less. what should I do?
~Worried friend, 12


Dear Worried Friend,
Thank you so much for writing! Your friend is really lucky to have someone like you.

It can be pretty scary when someone you care about is struggling and you’re not sure what to do. Sometimes when people feel sad, scared or confused about something, they use food to try to change their body as a way to make themselves feel better. Your friend may be thinking that if she lost weight she would feel better or somehow more worthy. The truth is, losing weight or changing our bodies is only a temporary solution to low self esteem, low self worth or inadequacy (not feeling good enough the way we are). After a while, those feelings will show up again.

Sometimes people feel like their whole life is “out of control” and if they could just control their body or their weight everything would be better. If we lose weight and don’t address the negative feelings we have, we’ll never be good enough - in our own eyes. It has to start with loving and accepting ourselves!

As you are experiencing now, sometimes the ones who think they need to lose weight are the only ones who think that.

You are doing the right thing by encouraging your friend not to worry about what the boys think and by helping her feel better about herself. Good for you!

You could also:
 - encourage her to talk with an adult she trusts like a teacher, counselor or her parents
 - let her know that sometimes strong feelings just need to be talked through to feel better
- give her some information or an article like the one on eating disorders in our April/May issue
- let her know you are worried about her. It will show your friend you care about her, you are there for her and that she is not alone
- compliment her on other things she’s good at like neat handwriting, being a good piano player, that she’s kind or friendly.

Remind her of these things too! These are the qualities that have everything to do with who she is as a person. If she’s focusing on what she sees as her negative traits, she may have forgotten about the great parts of herself.

Most of all LISTEN to her and try not to criticize her or tell her how she should feel no matter how frustrated you get.

Be careful not to take on the role of her therapist though, it’s not your job! Be positive about yourself and just be her friend like you have been so far.

~Jen

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