Body Image + Eating Disorders - It hurts the whole family...

BODY IMAGE + EATING DISORDERS, September 2008, by Jen Charbonneau


It hurts
the whole
family...


it hurts the whole familyDear Jen,
Your article in the April/May 2008 issue really hit home. My sister had an eating disorder. hHer story didn't end so well though. She nearly died and is still in the hospital. I thought maybe you could write sometime about how hard it is and not fair for families and siblings to go through this. Sometimes I was so mad and hated her for what she was doing to us, then other times like now, I would do anything to have her back at home, healthy and safe. We even have counseling, it sucks. I love her but I'm scared and our family has suffered along with her. Girls should know it's not just them they harm with it.
~ Sad Sister, 14, Ingersoll

Dear Sad Sister,
Thank you so much for your letter. First of all, I want to send love and prayers to you, your sister and your family.  Your struggle deserves to be recognized. You are sooooo right; when one member of a family is struggling with an eating disorder, it affects the whole family, MORE than anyone ever realizes. These disorders become the focal point for the whole family. It’s almost like YOUR world stops but life goes on around you. It can seem like you’re caught in a horrible nightmare.

Supporting a child/sibling with an eating disorder can be long and difficult. There is no ‘magic cure’ and parents or siblings may spend months and even years trying to find adequate treatment and support resources.

Meanwhile, other siblings, like you, are often left wondering “what is happening to my family?” Parents often fear that their child may not make it. They spend countless hours in and out of hospital rooms while trying to juggle work and home life. They become exhausted, discouraged, angry and overwhelmed with feelings of helplessness. 

As a teenage sister, you have your own set of feelings... bouncing between anger and sadness, confusion and frustration. I understand when you say that at times you hated your sister for doing this to you and your family. These feelings are COMPLETELY normal and it’s important that you deal with them in a healthy way. Sometimes feelings of hate are really a way of saying “I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m confused”. And please, be gentle with yourself. Don’t feel guilty for having negative feelings, they don’t make you a bad person. It just means you are a perfectly normal teenager dealing with overwhelming feelings and situations in your life. 

I encourage you to talk to someone. Talking with someone you trust has a way of making things seem better even if only for a little while. You could also write your feelings and thoughts in a journal. Just getting them out is the important part. 

You and your other family members need to take care of yourselves during this sad and stressful time. Although your sister requires an incredible amount of attention, it’s still important to squeeze in some time for YOU. I understand that might not be easy but try to make it a priority. Try a 15 minute walk around the block or a nice bubble bath, it’s the attention YOU need and deserve for yourself. 

People struggling with an eating disorder may appear to be trying to punish their family on purpose. Remember that the powerful grip of these disorders are hard to control.  Your sister’s struggle is her way of coping with challenges and issues that run much deeper than food and body conflict. As difficult as it may be to support her 24/7, try to remember that she is doing the best she can. Eating disorders are not lifestyle choices, they are harmful, life threatening disorders. There is no room for blame or shame in the recovery from this. When there is love and support, there is hope. 

It sounds like you are an amazing sister and she is lucky to have you. It’s ok to take a break from supporting her… she will find her way and you need to start supporting yourself!

Your letter is critical to raise awareness that families and friends suffer incredible amounts of sadness, frustration, anger, despair, worry and helplessness throughout the eating disorder of a loved one. Thank you for writing, you’ve really helped us to understand that family members get lost in the struggle and need under-standing and support too.

~Jen

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