Death and the Loss of a Loved One

DEAR DIARY, December 2007, by Nada Adams

Death and the Loss
of a Loved One

Dear Diary
My grandma died. I went to the funeral and I totally lost it in front of everyone. I was too sad to be embarrassed, I can’t believe I’ll NEVER talk to her again; I’ll never get to make cookies with her or watch game shows with her. I have so many questions I never asked. I can’t stop crying and everything reminds me of her. How do people get passed the death of someone so special in their lives? I won’t, I can’t. How could I? It would be like I didn’t care. I don’t know what to do. I really just need her back, I never felt so sad in my whole entire life.
~ Signed, 13 and all alone.

Dear All Alone,
For starters, you are SO NOT ALONE my dear! I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother. Anyone who has experienced the loss of a loved one has felt the pain and anguish that you are feeling. Death is a part of life and the reality is: nothing you do to prepare yourself will reduce the feeling when it actually happens. Grieving is one of those human emotions that everyone deals with differently. Experiencing the death of a pet makes most people cry, so you can imagine how sad we feel when we lose a very dear human being.

Even when we know a family member is ill, suffering and facing death, it FEELS SO FINAL when they eventually do die. And it’s that finality that hurts the most. If you have things you wanted to say, express your feelings through writing your Grandma a letter. Even though she won’t physically receive it, this process will help you to release some energy that’s stuck inside you right now.

Life is for living, and doing so guilt-free would be best! You’re not responsible for your grandmother’s death and I’ll bet your grandma lived a full and satisfying life. Most definitely I can tell from your letter, that she has left her beautiful imprint on your heart.

So although she is physically gone now, the memory of her love, laughter, kindness, advice and maybe even discipline will continue to live on in your mind and your heart, for as long as you choose to keep that alive.

Some ways to treasure those memories may be:

1. Select some great photos of you and your grandma and make a collage to frame and hang in your room.

2. You can imagine that your grandma is with you in your heart, and you can speak to her in your mind, knowing she won’t respond to you in the manner that you are accustomed to… but perhaps you can choose to let that be enough.

3. You can reminisce with family members who understand your loss and miss grandma too.

4. Try journaling every day for 15 minutes about your feelings of sadness and the things that make you happy about your life right now, until you feel complete (this is a great habit to continue).

5. Ask yourself: “what would grandma want me to do now? Would she want me to live a happy life or a sad one? Would she want me to cry over her or live with the happy memories?” I know I would want my loved ones to go on living guilt free.

If you choose to move forward with your future plans, does that mean you have forgotten all about your grandma or that you don’t care about her? Definitely NOT! If you laugh or feel happy or excited to go somewhere special, or if you are proud of an ‘A’ on a test, does that mean you have forgotten or stopped loving your grandma? NOT AT ALL!

No matter what you do from now on, and whether you act happy or not, the sadness of losing your grandma is still in your heart. Despite that, you are entitled to live your life to the fullest. Your grandma did when she was young.

Here are some great quotes for you to think about:

“You need to feel it to heal it”
“Crying is the heart’s way of healing”
“Tears are the scrubbing bubbles of the heart.”

Whatever you do, don’t stop feeling… if you feel sad, that’s ok, if your tears want to come out, don’t hold them back. Allow yourself to feel all you are feeling. Most importantly: feel your feelings without self criticism or self judgment. Don’t say, “I’m stupid to cry”, but rather, “I am courageous to allow myself to feel all my emotions because when I feel it I heal it!”

Keep this in mind; you always have the power to relive the memories of your grandma any time and any day. In your heart she will ALWAYS be with you. The pain of grief will lesson over time (which is a blessing) but it will never completely go away; that’s the power of your love for her. Welcome to life!

~Nada

Girls Can Do Anything Magazine

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Death and the Loss of a Loved One

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