The Mo(u)rning Letters - Chapter Four: Distractions

BOOK CLUB, October 2010, by Jenny McWha

Last time… In Home Away from Home Away from Home, Eleanor settled into the Shannon Mayfair Home for the Grieving. She felt uncomfortable and strange, especially in her first group therapy session. She heard the other patient’s stories, and finally found the courage to talk about Beth. Back at home, Benjamin had a dream about the Beth the week before she died.

The Mo(u)rning Letters
Chapter Four:
Distractions

THAT DREAM haunts Benjamin the next day. He hadn’t realized how hard these times are; not when there had always been Eleanor needing him to take care of her. Now he’s feeling only a snippet of what she feels, and he can’t stand it. He can’t stand wishing that Beth were still here, that he could try kissing her again. He doesn’t know how he ended up falling in love with his sister’s best friend without his own knowledge. Heck, he didn’t even know that until this second. He also didn’t know how much he misses Beth. How could someone have come into their lives—his and Eleanor’s—and then have left so suddenly? It just wasn’t fair. What if she was still alive? Would something have happened between them? He thinks about it and the thought warms him. He tries to get it out of his head. Even if they had become a couple he probably would have broken up with her like he did every other girl who lets him into her life. Then they would have been awkward and Eleanor would have blamed him. He is so easy to blame. Maybe he even deserves it.

He has been walking to school every day now, freezing his butt off just so he’ll be able to think. It’s horrible how two girls, just girls, not scary at all, can haunt his thoughts so much. Today’s the last day of school before vacation, and Eleanor will be home just before Christmas. They want her to go home for a bit, and then they’ll meet with the family and see if she needs to go back and get some more therapy. Benjamin hopes she doesn’t. He knows Eleanor needs him, but he has finally realized that above all, he needs Eleanor. He needs someone he can talk to. He could tell her in a letter but it feels so impersonal, and he doesn’t want to make it harder for her to get better.

Just like any other day, he walks up to the school just as Susannah is getting out of her car. And like any other day, she clucks over how cold he looks before she takes his arm and drags him through the huge industrial doors. He thinks that Susannah has replaced Eleanor with him. Unfortunately, Eleanor’s old friends had just got up and left when they figured out she wasn’t getting over Beth (Benjamin had offered to have a talking to them but Eleanor had refused). As soon as Susannah befriended her, she was left out, too. For the past few years it had pretty much been the two of them, inseparable. Except for the rare occasions when they fought. They always made up though. Susannah was good for Eleanor. Benjamin liked her immensely for that.

“Why do you feel that you have to walk to school every day? Not everyone is lucky enough to get a new car for their eighteenth birthday, Benjamin. Do us all a favour and use it.”

Benjamin smiles. Well, at least he still has Susannah to distract him.

…

Dear Eleanor:

I had to write you a letter. It’s hard when your best friend just goes away, and you don’t even know. Eleanor, I had to find out from BENJAMIN, and he seemed like he wanted to punch out a brick wall- you know, that same expression you said he had on his face when he caught you making out with Jake Maddis. Benjamin can certainly be scary when he wants to be, eh?

I’ve been taking notes in class for you, so you don’t have to worry too much about your correspondence courses. Just study my notes for the exams and you’ll be fine. Besides, you probably won’t be missing that much school, right? Probably not. You’ll be back before we know it. Benjamin told me you would be here for Christmas. That really isn’t that far away, you know.

I better tell you how Benjamin is, because he won’t. Nora, he’s doing bad. It’s dead winter, and he WALKS to school EVERY DAY without a COAT on. It reminds me of that time you said that you walked to Cornelia’s without a jacket and nearly froze to death. THAT'S what Benjamin’s doing, but every freakin day. He can be so stupid sometimes. Probably because he’s a boy. They can be pretty dumb, huh?

David and Jane are going on a vacation to Italy, so Deanna and Nadine are coming to live here for three weeks. Neither is in school yet, so my mom is really excited to have babies in the house again. In case you forgot, Deanna just turned four and Nadine is two. They’re here now, tearing up the house. Deanna has a note for you:

i luv elanor
fum Deanna

Isn’t she sweet? I guess I love the brats sometimes.

Well, I should be going, the kids are hungry and I’m sitting. I love you, Nora, and write back soon. I know you have a lot to deal with, but I really need to hear from you.

Love,
Susannah.

…

Eleanor,

How are you, little sis? Benjamin said that you send your love, and I send mine right back. I hope no one has eaten you yet, and you are eating healthy. I know that sometimes you can really lose your appetite, and you have to be reminded that you need to consume food to live. I suppose the people there take care of you perfectly well, but what kind of older sister would I be if I didn’t worry along with the best of them?

Sorry this letter couldn’t be longer, but I really have to get some ice cream. I suppose Benjamin has told you that he drives me everywhere. He really is a good brother, even though he’s so much younger than I am. I love you Nora,

Love,
Cornelia and the babies

…

THE NEXT day Benjamin wakes up to Susannah pushing aside his bedroom curtains to let the sun in. He shields his eyes, cursing her and the sun that stubbornly shines even though his mood is cloudy…with rain… and lightening.

She sees that he’s awake. “Rise and shine, Benjamin!”

“How the hell did you get in here, Susannah?” He groans, attempting to bury himself among the sheets and pillows.

“Your mother let me in.”

“And why?”

“Well, if you insist on getting hypothermia every day, I figure you wouldn’t mind having some company to freeze along with you. Now, get up. You slept in today.”

Benjamin finally looks at the clock. She’s right: it’s twenty minutes later than when he usually gets up. He’ll have to miss breakfast today. Suddenly, a thought hits him. “I could be naked under here, for all you know,”

“Please,” Susannah snorts, “You never have, nor will, sleep naked. I know you just as well as I know Eleanor.” She makes a noise of disgust. “Sleeping naked. Please.”

Benjamin doesn’t know if he should be ticked off because she knows him so well, or just get on with getting dressed. She’s sat down in his window seat now, the morning sun making it look like she has a halo of yellow light surrounding her head. He sighs and stretches, rolls onto the floor before dragging himself to his feet. “Are you going to stay here while I change? Because I know it’s been your dream since you met me…”

The smile doesn’t leave her face as she slowly rises from her angelic throne and walks across the room, shutting his door behind her. He reflects. Maybe losing Eleanor was just as hard for Susannah as it was for him. She and Eleanor did occasionally talk with other people at school, but they really were each other’s sole support. Susannah had been there for Eleanor right after, well, IT happened. They had been like sisters for four years, and Susannah seemed a little lost without her best friend.

Finished dressing, he scoops up his knapsack before opening his door. Susannah is standing there, a strange look in her eyes. Benjamin wonders what it is. But it is gone as soon as soon as it gets there, replaced by the same smile that she had had plastered on her face earlier. She chatters about nothing as they go down the stairs and out the door, his mother taking the phone whose earpiece she’s yelling into away from her ear for enough time to say a quick goodbye. His father had an emergency surgery last night and had yet to get back from it. Not that Benjamin really cares. What respect he had had for his parents before had fled over the past few months. He doesn’t really say much to either of the women who seem to feel they must talk at him, through him.

It’s not until they get outside that Susannah changes. She falls silent for a few seconds, and then stops, rubbing her arms. Benjamin stops, too, but doesn’t feel like he can look at her for some reason.

“I miss her,” she says. Benjamin doesn’t have to ask whom she’s talking about.

“Me too,” he says.

They don’t say anything else, just walking along beside each other. Then she turns to him and practically breaks down.

“I just, don’t understand why she had to go away. Why, after all this time, it’s this year that she can’t get through it, this year that she has to leave me behind with university to think about, and why… it’s been so long, Benjamin. Four years! Am I,” she sniffles, and big teardrops start to burst out of her eyes, “Am I not good enough, Benjamin? Was I not enough to help her through it all?” It’s here the tears start to course down her face.

He doesn’t know why he does it. He doesn’t. But somehow, he finds himself raising his hands to his face, using his thumbs to wipe away her tears while murmuring that it has nothing to do with her, that Eleanor needs to sort out everything herself. And she’s looking at him and laughing through her tears and he’s looking at her and moving closer and he’s kissing her and her lips are soft like Beth’s and his hands are cupping her face and her fingers are wrapped around the small hairs at the top of his neck and then it’s over. She looks at him.

And then she runs away.

Stay tuned for Chapter 5 next month!

~ Jenny

Girls Can Do Anything Magazine

The Mo(u)rning Letters, by Jenny McWha

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The Mo(u)rning Letters - Chapter Four: Distractions

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