The Mo(u)rning Letters - Chapter Two: Going, Going, Gone

BOOK CLUB, June 2010, by Jenny McWha

Last time… In Chapter 1 (Proof of Life), the anniversary of Beth’s death rolled around, and Eleanor fell into a kind of stupor. Benjamin instantly took on a super-brother persona, and tried to help her feel better. To top it all off, they find out that their happily married and pregnant sister, Cornelia, was just left by her husband. In desperation, Eleanor’s parents sent her to a therapy weekend, which only helped a little bit.

The Mo(u)rning Letters

Chapter Two:
Going, Going, Gone

SCHOOL COMES too quickly the next day.

Benjamin has already told Susannah that Eleanor isn’t doing too well; so when they meet her in the hallway she walks behind Eleanor, with Benjamin. They have to deflect about twenty people who are wondering what the weird look plastered on Eleanor’s face is.

All the teachers know about “the situation,” as his parents put it, so Benjamin doesn’t have to worry about telling them. He doesn’t want to leave his sister, but he knows he has to be content with the knowledge that Susannah is taking care of her. It’s funny how most of the time he finds Eleanor unbelievably annoying, but can’t help but want to protect her from anything and everything during these times. These times when she hardly knows what’s in front of her. Sometimes it’s hard being an older brother.

IT’S HARD trying to pay attention in biology when you just don’t care. All Eleanor sees is Ms. Reynolds moving her mouth and writing letters on the board that don’t seem to make words. She feels like she doesn’t know anything, let alone what the outer layer of a cell is called.

   She does know that Susannah is sitting beside her. Susannah is her best friend, has been for the last three years. Eleanor knows Susannah is her best friend because she didn’t ditch Eleanor that first time. Not like Anna and Heather and Louisa did in grade eight. Nope. Susannah just stayed. She never asked why, she never wondered, she never thought that Eleanor was a freak who just couldn’t let things go. She just stayed. Eleanor needs that. That’s why they’re best friends now. She knows that Beth would have loved Susannah. But Beth isn’t here to love Susannah.

She feels a nudge from beside her. She must have been going into that trance again. She seems to go into a lot of those lately. She looks at Susannah, but her best friend is just watching the teacher. Eleanor smiles, giving Susannah a few more points in her mental best friend tally. So far, Susannah is the winner. Not that she has any other best friends to compare her to. At least not any alive ones.

She watches the clock, waiting for the moment when that stupid bell will ring, signaling her freedom. She thanks the heavens it’s Friday: she can have a whole two days to get ready for her next day at school. And there it goes: that piercing ringing that always makes Eleanor want to cover her ears and scream bloody murder during these times. She’s out like a flash, Susannah hardly able to follow her out one of the many side doors of the school to the back parking lot. She gives Suse a hug and then hurries to Benjamin’s car. He isn’t there yet—she knew he wouldn’t be. His history class in on the other side of the school, and even though he practically sprints through the continuous throng of students, he never gets there before her. She smiles as she sees him rush out the door, his face bright in the sudden cold.

Eleanor thinks. Sometimes she feels that she never repays her big brother for these times, these times when all he’s worried about is her. Maybe that wouldn’t be the case if he had a girlfriend that he had an ounce of feelings for. She doesn’t know what she’ll do when he leaves for university next year. He always tells her that he’ll stay close—there’s a great university only forty-five minutes away—but she always wonders if some great opportunity will come his way; a scholarship—a girl. It’s hard to imagine Benjamin in love. Really in love.

Her thoughts are interrupted by Benjamin himself getting in the driver’s seat.

“Hey Nora, how was school?” He’s got his big grin on his face, but his eyes aren’t lit up like they usually are. Instead, they’re worried. About her. Eleanor doesn’t want the light in his eyes to be replaced with worry. Christmas break is coming in a couple of weeks, and she always feels better, gets better when the new year comes.

“Same old. I’m glad it’s over.”

Benjamin just sighs and starts the car.

When they get home, things aren’t right. Their father’s car is in the driveway, as well as their mother’s. That rarely happens. Benjamin feels lucky when he sees one parent, it’s practically a miracle when he sees both together. They walk in cautiously, Benjamin hoping that this is not an announcement about their grandmother dying. That’s really all Eleanor needs right now to go over the edge.

“Kids, is that you?” their father’s voice drifts from the direction of the living room.

“Yeah, it is,” Benjamin answers, throwing a glance Eleanor’s way. She looks puzzled.

They get to the living room, where their mother and father are sitting stiff on the stiff floral couch. The carpet is perfectly vacuumed and there is not one grain of dust on any surface. They never use the living room. It is a like a shrine to the upper-middle class lifestyle that their parents are too busy to actually enjoy. They are both looking at Eleanor.

“Benjamin,” their father says, “Maybe you should go upstairs and let us talk with your sister.”

“No,” Eleanor says, her eyes panicked, “Can’t he stay? I need him here.”

“Eleanor, we need to speak to alone. You have to learn to face things without Benjamin always being by your side. Now, you’re father told Benjamin to leave, and I suggest you do that, honey.”

Glancing at Eleanor one more time, Benjamin reluctantly leaves.

“ELEANOR, SWEETIE, we have a problem.”

Eleanor doesn’t say anything.

“Eleanor, it’s been three years. Three years! It’s time to let Beth go, really live your life. You can’t be falling into a trance every December.”

Eleanor stays silent, staring at a stray thread on the edge of the too-expensive rug, winding it around her finger until it turns blue, letting go, and repeating the whole process again. Again. Again. She knows her parents expect her to speak.

“We know that it was probably getting better this year, and so it should, and it just got worse because of Cornelia’s news.”

Eleanor stares at the carpet.

“But Nora, you have to get better. We want you to go somewhere to get help, to feel better again. A friend at work told me about this lovely place, only three hours away, in Shanton. Their sister went there when she lost her husband, and they say that she came back a new person.”

Eleanor stares harder.

“Eleanor, we don’t want you to forget Beth, not at all! We just want you to be little sad around this time, not falling into a depression every year. Honey, we’re worried about you! You have to understand that we love you, and we want you to feel better. Don’t you want to feel better?”

   Eleanor stares. She thinks about Benjamin, that look in his eyes that stole the light way. She nods.

   “I’ll go.”

..........

Hey sweetie,
Hope all is well and you feel at home at the Mayfair House. You have to understand that your father and I did this for your best interest. We did this so you can feel better. We are pretty much getting the cold shoulder from your sister and brother, and would appreciate a response from you. I wish I could write more but there is a pressing case that I have to work on.
Love Mom.

We love you Honey. Please get better and come back to us soon. Have to go and do emergency surgery. Love dad.

..........

Shannon Mayfair Home for the Grieving

Dear Mom and Dad:
I’m okay. See you soon.
Eleanor.

..........

A DAY later, Benjamin decides to walk to school. He needs the cold to clear his mind, and it’s only a half-hour walk: a piece of cake for him. He can’t believe that Eleanor agreed to go to that loony house. That place is for people that can’t live their lives anymore, who can’t let go of those that have died. He saw them yesterday, when he went in briefly last night. They were all walking around, half-dead themselves, not caring. Some of them had people who worked there holding onto their arms. Eleanor’s not like that, she lives her life fine; it’s just when Beth comes to haunt her again. She’s not like those other people, not one bit. He just doesn’t understand why she decided to go. She was finally getting better, and next year won’t be as bad. Every year she’ll get better. So why did they send her away? He hasn’t spoken to his parents since he told them he was home the day before, and he never wants to speak to them again. He doesn’t respect them like he used to (not that he ever really did past the age of ten), not since they sent Eleanor away.

   As he arrives at school, he sees Susannah pull into the parking lot in her beat down car. He always swears that the tin can will just fall apart one day in front of his eyes. When that day comes, Susannah will still probably insist that it’s just fine. He has to tell her about Eleanor. He promised Eleanor he would, but he doesn’t want to. He walks up to where she is standing, searching her bag for something or other, like she always does. When she notices him, a smile lights up her face, but quickly disappears when she notices Eleanor isn’t with him. He smiles back, suddenly noticing that Susannah is a little pretty. He blinks, suppressing these thoughts.

   “Where’s Nora, Benjamin?” she asks. She is craning her neck to look over his shoulder, like he has somehow hidden Eleanor behind him.

   “That’s what I have to talk to you about.”

   Her face falls. “She’s not getting worse, is she?” They don’t have to—really, don’t want to—face the problem head on by actually saying it. Susannah has been around long enough that she knows everything, beginning to end. No one really says what is really wrong with Eleanor, they just talk in some kind of code, tiptoeing around what the real problem is so they can pretend that she’s just sick with the flu or something. Yeah right.

   “No. Susannah. Our parents sent her to some live-in program for grieving people. And God, I don’t know why the hell she did, but she agreed. They drove her out last night.”

   Susannah stares at him.

   “Why would she do that?”

   “I have no freaking idea.”

   “How long will she… be there for?”

   “They told us however long it takes. They say they’re going to start with a few weeks and see where that takes them.”

   Susannah can see the hurt and worry in his eyes. When she first saw how Benjamin handled Eleanor, back when they met freshman year, she had thought of him like any other annoying older brother, albeit ones that even seniors seemed to be interested in. Then, when it had happened for the first time, he had completely changed. It was then that she had wished that she had an older brother like her best friends’. Her own thirty-year-old brother, David, had been in university by the time she could first remember, and now has a family of his own in the form of a wife and two daughters. Deanne and Nadine are great, but it’s weird being called ‘Auntie’ when you’re only sixteen. She can never see David acting like Benjamin does towards her, with such love and tenderness. She doesn’t even think that David knows who she really is. She’s just the baby that made him give up his only-child life forever. Not anything to worry over, just someone to buy a cheap present for every Christmas and pretend to talk with.

   “I know you miss her.” That is all Susannah can think of to say.

   “Yeah.”

   He looks even worse. Would David look like that if Susannah was in Eleanor’s place? She doesn’t think so.

   “How about we walk to class together?” She isn’t sure what he’ll say to that.

   “Sure. That sounds good.”

   Without thinking, she takes his hand. It startles both of them, but Benjamin just looks at her and smiles. Maybe he needs more comfort than she thought. People will talk, but Susannah and Benjamin are past that. They have something bigger than high school weighing them down and the looks and stares from their classmates won’t change that. They’ll all see soon enough that Susannah isn’t making out with him all day, and a new rumour will start. Or he’ll start dating another cheerleader to take his mind off Eleanor and Susannah will be forgotten again, fading back into obscurity.

   The only reason anyone knows her in the school is because Benjamin Davies occasionally hangs out with her. Sometimes she has girls come up to her in the hall to ask if she’s seen his bedroom. She has, but just in passing when she’s walking down the hall, and it looks like any other boy’s bedroom she has ever seen. So she just tells them that no, she’s never seen it, and they look utterly disappointed, like they expected her to say “yes, it is veritable harem,” or “it’s the den of a god. If you are ever invited in you will never want to leave.” But to her, Benjamin is just like any other boy. Especially now, when he’s so worried for his sister in that lonely place of death and ghosts that he almost walks into a drinking fountain. How come none of the girls ever see this Benjamin? Why don’t they ever want to know about this Benjamin? She could tell them a lot. She supposes they don’t want to know. Or maybe he doesn’t want them to know.

Stay tuned next month for Chapter 3 and comment below on how you like it so far!

~ Jenny