How do siblings stop fighting and start getting along?

ASK LORI AND LIANE, September 2009, by Liane Knoll-Kowk

I hate my little sister!
...how do siblings stop fighting and start getting along?

Dear Liane,
I have a problem with my sister. I am 12 and she is 9. For years I have really not liked her, and I especially don't now. It is not like that with my 14 year old brother, or my 13 year old cousin (who is also a guy). The three of us are like best friends. I don't even know why it is like that. Could it be our ages? And is this even normal to not like (ok, well pretty much HATE) your sister for 3+ years? Please help me, and if you can, give me tips on how to not hate her.
~ Big sister, Lorette, Manitoba

Dear Big Sister,
Some kids are lucky enough to be best friends with their siblings, but it's also very common for siblings to fight, and yes, to feel like they even hate each other sometimes. So to answer your question, yes, this is absolutely normal!

But relationships take work and there's a really big reason why it will be worth it to improve on your relationship with your sister. Think about it....... who will be the person you know longest in your life? It's not your best friend, and it's not even your parents, the people who have known you from the beginning. You guessed it, it's your sister. You will know her longer than any any person you will ever meet in the future! So that's why how the two of you relate now will contribute to setting the stage for your relationship for many years to come. In other words, this is a very important issue to deal with.

It's not surprising that things aren't always peachy considering how much you have to share: your home, your meals, your parents. No wonder you infuriate each other at times. You share so much in common, but that doesn't mean your personalities are alike. In fact, they could be completely opposite. You may have different opinions, talents, mannerisms, etc. Your age will have much to do with your differing interests too, and this may explain why you get along better with your older brother and cousin. What your sister thinks is cool is probably so yesterday for you! She's still into little kid stuff while you've moved on to teenage things. Expressing your differences of opinion is absolutely fine, but when it leads to insults and hurtful put downs, it's not fine!

It's so hard to stay out of what I call the 'bickering trap'. It goes something like this: you make a slightly sarcastic comment. Your sister feels insulted and hurls back another sarcastic response. You then feel personally attacked. Before you've had a chance to think about it, you've said something you know will enrage or hurt her because, let's face it, if anyone knows what hurts your little sister most, it's you. Then what started out as a snarky comment has escalated into a shouting match and sometimes even to physical violence. By this time it's official... world war 3 has arrived and with it, Mom and Dad. You and your sister find yourselves grounded for a week, or worse, you give each other the cold shoulder for a few days and pretend the other doesn't exist.

One of the complaints I often hear from older siblings is that their younger sibling gets into their stuff: their room, their diaries, their clothes, their computer files..you name it! There seems to be no respect for personal property. One reason for this may be that the younger sib wants to be just like the older one. If this is happening to you, your sister is likely fascinated by you and wants everything you have, even though it may appear like she doesn’t like you. Copying your look and style may be just one more reason to be annoyed at her but at least her lack of boundaries has an explanation.

Do you sometimes feel that your sister is favoured by your parents? Do you think she gets away with things because she's the baby? This can be a real source of difficulty for siblings. Some kids have said they even feel replaced by their younger sibling or feel they've lost that special place in their parent's heart. Sometimes they feel lonely, and at times, unloved. If this happens to you, please talk to your parents about it. Do it when you’re calm and on better terms with your sister. Tell them why you feel she is favoured and that it's hurtful to you. Be honest with your feelings. Chances are, your parents don't even realize this is happening.

You asked how you could make things better. This tells me that you're a problem solver and are invested in having a better relationship with your sister. When people live together, they need to have some basic rules that everyone follows. This means that your parents and siblings have to be on board with making a change in the family. It helps to write them down and involve everyone in the creation of your "family rules". One important rule is to be respectful to each other and this means zero tolerance of hurtful insults (you'll know which ones are the mean ones) and no hitting or physical violence. Another rule is respecting each other's property; knocking on your siblings door and getting permission before entering, asking to borrow items even if there's a chance they'll say no. You'll have to sit down and figure out what rules are important to you and your family members.

Try to be respectful of your sister even if she is sometimes annoying. One of the most hurtful things a person can do is to ignore someone. When you’re angry or frustrated, take a deep breath and give her your ear for a few more minutes instead of telling her to "talk to the hand". If you've already entered the ‘bickering trap’ I mentioned before, take another deep breath and try to be the bigger person. Say: "this is going nowhere" and resist the urge to hurl that last nasty insult. She will learn a lot about how to behave by watching how you handle difficult situations.

Lastly, try to spend time together as a family. Family members need to come before friends and these relationships get stronger when you put in the effort. Watch a movie together, play a board game, find time to relate together. Work hard on keeping your relationships going well so that you will always have each other.

Sometimes relationships between siblings are so difficult that professional help is needed. Sometimes the bickering and fighting is constant, and there are very few peaceful moments at home. This is a family problem and not any one person's fault. If you feel your relationship with your sister is unmanageable or if someone in the family is being harmed, then it's time to talk to your parents about this. Family therapy may be helpful in this case.

Don't forget what a long and important relationship this is. It's important to nurture and do everything you can to keep it healthy and strong. All the best, and I hope you and your sister grow to be great friends some day!

Keep your feet on the ground!
~ Liane

Comment

Mikayla.11!!!!!!

I have a twin sister and she tends to blame suff on me and then my parents think its true and i get in trouble...then i try to stand up for my-self and then i get in more trouble...!!!!!and she fights with me CONSTENTLY!!!! what should i do???

RobbyAnne

I am 13 and my sister is 15 she is a freshman in high school and I am in eighth grade. We have been fighting none stop since she was in sixth grade. Our parents get very angry with us because we can't even go to dinner without fighting. Please help me so we can give our parents the children they always wanted and for my sister and I to become best friends.