Winning Against an Eating Disorder - true story

BODY IMAGE + EATING DISORDERS, May 2008, by Jen Charbonneau

eating
disorders
when our self-image is so
distorted that whatever we do
we never feel good enough
...a true story

Corinne There is a lot of discussion and concern from girls across Canada (and around the world) about the pressures to look, be, and act in certain ways. Whether from media, peers, family or elsewhere, it’s an issue that makes it hard to accept ourselves the way we are. These pressures can lead to serious life-changing problems.

My name is Jen Charbonneau, and when I was a teen and into my early 20’s, I had an eating disorder. I was bulimic. I’ve since recovered and now counsel others suffering from various eating disorders. One of them is Corinne, whose story you will read about in this article.

The strive to fit in sometimes leads us to do crazy things that harm our bodies. At the time though, they don’t seem like such bad ideas. One minute you’re Daddy’s little girl, swirling around in your princess skirt, and then you find yourself in your teens as a lost soul looking for acceptance in the numbers on the scale.

Corinne: “One day, at age 11, I stared at my body in a full-length mirror and took note of every imperfection I saw. I realized, after spending my life in a society where the media is polluted by the diet industry that even if I am unable to control my life, it was possible to change my body. And so it began…”

Corinne was a typical girl going into middle school, worrying about friendships and fitting in. To her, she believed she would be accepted if she looked a certain way.

“I began to diet, to cut out fats, to fast all day and binge-eat at night. When my weight wasn’t dropping no matter how hard I tried, I began to purge and exercise regularly. I hid my disorder quite well until the end of grade eleven. I believe the binge-purge cycle was a result of feeling like I had completely lost control of everything in my life!”

Corinne so needed to feel in control of herself and her life that she took extreme measures. She was desperate. ‘Binging’ is when you eat a lot of food all at once, and don’t stop until you just can’t eat anymore. Usually it’s junk food. Many people who binge-eat are depressed and looking for instant gratification. They desperately need to feel good and food will give them that feeling for a short time. Unfortunately, guilt is something that usually follows, with a sense of self-disgust or self-loathing.
‘Purging’ is usually a result of that feeling of shame and self-disgust. It’s forcing oneself to vomit or abuse laxatives in order to get rid of what you ate, believing that it will help you lose weight fast. ‘Bulimia’ is an eating disorder of eating and then purging, and using extreme exercise for fear of gaining weight.

“The summer of grade eleven, my weight dropped considerably and for the first time ever I felt beautiful. I transferred to a school where no one knew I was an outcast, and I was accepted with open arms. But people weren’t noticing me for who I was, they simply saw a pretty face and that was good enough. My weight fluctuated up and down, and I continued to engage in my binge-purge behaviors throughout my last year of high school, until the week before I graduated. I had always been a good student, writing was my passion. I dreamed of being a high school teacher. I was so stressed about my grades the week before graduating that I completely stopped eating. My health deteriorated so bad that I was put in the hospital on a psychiatric ward with severe kidney infections. My weary grad speech was made on a hospital pass for the day. Shortly thereafter I was released. I moved to Halifax and got settled in to start my English University degree in the fall. After only two weeks my weight and health had deteriorated so much that my mother flew me home to spend the summer in and out of hospital beds with IVs in both arms.

Eventually, I got into an inpatient treatment center where I spent 3 and a half months gaining weight and learning about why I had an eating disorder. I remembered pieces of my life I had numbed out. As helpful as it was to finally feel something valid, the scars were not even remotely healed when I was discharged. My downward spiral was out of control. I can honestly say that I didn’t intentionally lose the weight this time. My behaviours were destroying my life and I felt I couldn’t stop. I thought I would never be freed from my enslavement. I ran for 5 hours or more each day and I allowed myself only 400 calories. Needless to say, my weight dropped drastically and I was told that if I continued my compulsive exercising I would have a heart attack in no time. Sadly, my Anorexia gave me a feeling of ultimate control over my life, whereas my bulimia was, I believe, a representation of my loss of control. When I had nothing in my body I felt empty and believed I needed to feel that way in order to survive.”

Dieting is NEVER a smart choice. Taking care of your body, eating a healthy balanced diet, and including moderate exercise in your life is the only way to achieve a healthy weight and body that is right for you. You can see from Corinne’s story how dieting can turn to an eating disorder and quickly spiral out of control. When you’re in it, you may think you are able to stop whenever you choose, but your mind is at work with your body, and it’s just not that easy.

Corinne mentioned that she went from Bulimic to Anorexic. ‘Anorexia’ is: self starvation, not allowing oneself to eat, denying hunger, eating only very minimal amounts to survive. Anorexics are much easier to spot by their skeleton-like bodies, drastic weight-loss and change in behaviours like wearing baggy clothes to hide their weight.

“I realized that I didn’t want to be thin to be attractive, maybe it started out that way, but I knew my body was far from being beautiful in the state I had put it in. I wanted to disappear. If I got even thinner maybe I would be able to do so. Throughout my journey I started to resent the ‘beauty ideal’. Beauty scared me. I felt that I had been taken advantage of by guys when I was healthy. Beauty made people not notice who I really was.”

There are many reasons why girls get to the point where they feel they have to purge or starve themselves, and it’s not any one specific type of girl who suffers. All girls (and guys) regardless of age, race, religion, social status or wealth are equally susceptible. It’s not always the same for everyone, but some of the reasons are: peer pressure and media messages, the loss of your mother through death or separation, a challenging father-daughter relationship, perfectionistic high expectations at home, or abuse either sexually, emotionally or physically. Sometimes it just starts with dieting and never feeling like you’re good enough. If I lose just a few more pounds, maybe a couple more…

“My weight dropped to the lowest it had ever been and I was not allowed to leave the hospital. I refused to eat and we all thought I would die by the age of 18. I felt then that death would be an escape. Thankfully, my mother found a treatment center in Arizona. I spent four months recovering there. For the first time in my life food was no longer my enemy, it saved my life and I did everything I was told in order to get better.

Now, I don’t even know what my weight is and it doesn’t bother me. I’m back home and I’ve been given another chance to finally go to University and become the teacher I’ve always wanted to be. I am currently illustrating a series of positive children’s books and my health is my number one concern. I realized that I was killing myself to have the perfect body. My whole life consisted of my eating disorder.”

As you can see, there is hope for recovery. It’s not easy but support IS out there.

“A couple months ago I was diagnosed with severe osteoporosis (bone deterioration). I was crushed to find out, but I refuse to feel sorry for myself. I take this as a sign to never go back and to treat my body with respect to live a full life and possibly be a mother someday. This summer will be the first in several years not spent in a hospital. I pray that if you see any signs of yourself engaging in eating disordered behaviors that you get help before it’s too late. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and the taste of victory is so very sweet.”

Girls, and guys, you have to find ways every day to love yourself. You are beautiful and unique and exactly how you should be. The media messages that say we ‘should’ be a certain way is to make money by selling more stuff. You can choose NOT to believe these messages! It’s your choice to feel good enough. No one has the right to tell you differently.

If you are suffering from an eating disorder, if you have a friend who is suffering, or even if you simply don’t feel good enough and are considering your options: TALK TO SOMEONE! Anyone! A parent, teacher, guidance counselor, or other family member. You are not alone and you have no reason to feel ashamed or unworthy of love and support. Change your beliefs about what beautiful is and what good enough is. You are and will always be both of those things.

~ Jen

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